I have about a 30 minute window to write this. What typically happens is I’ll go to say something and I’ll start, but then the wind is knocked out of me when I realize that the life that took years to build, crumbled in less than 2 months.
Without going into specifics- because life is hard enough already I don’t need to dox myself- my job was eliminated by the federal government. For the first time in my life I have been laid off with nothing lined up and no reassurance that I’ll be okay. We tell young people to go to school and take education seriously. To put your best foot forward and work hard. Admittedly, I had started to doubt those teachings a long time ago but I still clung to them because I didn’t know how else to show up in the world. How else do I be an employee? Even worse, that attitude had not yet let me down. I was successful in my day job and though I didn’t always like the work, being good at it felt good and that gave me the boost I needed to get through the worst of it. I was content to continue like this too, working myself to the bone in the day and then coming home to write at night.
But I was let go last week. I had my stuff taken and I was walked out of the building, all for the crime of being younger than my coworkers and therefore, hired too late to be worth keeping. I can’t express to you what this did to me. The first three days were the lowest I have ever felt. The first thing that hits you is the embarrassment. People know you work here and knowing you’ve been let go, even if it’s by no fault of your own, fills you with shame. Like you brought it on yourself and when you close your eyes, you imagine the faces of those you love looking at you with disappointment in their eyes. Then there are the waves of sorrow that crash and crash over you. The “why is this happening to me?” of it all. What comes next is a retreat. I just sort of turned off. Sure I’ve been applying to jobs and filling out unemployment and all that devastating stuff but that’s it. I never thought I could nap so much. Dream so much. My brain realizes what’s happening and is sending me distractions. I took a class on this once, trust me.
What ended up getting me out of it was a gig. I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and one of those people needed help vending for an event and wanted to pay me for my work. So I went. Disillusioned, eyes heavy from too much sleep, hungry because I couldn’t keep anything down- I went. And I had a great time. The me of 10 years ago leaped out and I remembered what it was like to use your hands to make your money. To hustle. Of course I’m still worried about keeping a roof over my head but knowing that I can always find a way to make money breathed new life into me. When you lose your job like that it’s hard not to think everything is over. Last Saturday reminded me that it isn’t. That even if I never work another prestigious job again, I'll still be here and I can still pick up again. At least that’s how I feel at this moment right now. The sadness does come back and the doubt does tiptoe in and in another 30 minutes I probably won’t feel like this at all.
Anyway this isn’t feeling much like a rant. If anything I feel like I’m giving annoying inspirational speaker like I’m about to put on an ill-fitting blazer and sell you the worst book you’ve ever read. Some shit like “Putting the Pieces Back Together” for $39.99. This is a step above selling diet plans on Instagram. This is the cousin of advertising your shadow self workbook on TikTok. If I’m ever selling you anything just know that I’m completely miserable doing it. Oh and this country has completely abandoned everyone under 40. It’s time to act in kind.
Sending you so much love. But the key is that you’re surrounded by love and you have the tools to pick back up again. Our biggest wins start in our darkest times.
Light to you. I remember growing up the adults telling me how screwed we were, that we needed to find our own path but still do it their way. They told us to go to school and get an education became CEOs. Don’t go into government because the old guard will refuse to leave. I tried doing it there way and I sucked at it. Always being screwed by people older than me because I was just out for their job. I was simply teaching them to do things faster so they could keep up with the technology changes.
I hate that this is happening to you and so many of us. It’s time to refocus and find that new path, hopefully get some older than dirt farts to finally retire.